why chau when its forever

2012-02-07T10:34:00.001+08:00

sometimes its as simple as...

I like you.

until then

2012-01-31T02:26:00.000+08:00

The idyllic week in dubai was an escape, as well as a literal full stop,

To the denial the rebellion the unnecessary pain

They say dreamers spend too much time dwelling on imaginary torture

Always fooled themselves in thinking theres way more to what is already seemingly true

Sometimes somethings are no more than a hault, a breath, a sigh

But there are some other things, which deserve the pained endurance of time

Under the moonlit path, she spoke so carelessly of the unspoken

“can you believe that she’s gone?”

I rummaged the clean brisky air for an answer

“it felt like yesterday when she left the house, the last dinner we had, when she called about the cake design. We all hoped she’ll just get it over with. Are we being a little too harsh?”

for a minute, I don’t know what to say

its not guilt, its not melancholy. Its just a plain truth.

“I think we’ll have to get used to the absent extra birthday cake.”

Sometimes, I think our minds and body know better of themselves than we do of them

We should not spend time on telling our mind when to stop thinking

Or our body when to stop eating

Maybe we just need to focus more on survival

The ultimate time killer

Until then,

With love.

i see

2012-01-23T10:06:00.004+08:00

its funny how your mind clear itself in the mornings

these days it seemed to have gone through years

when i was asleep

so everyday i opened my eyes

to another long denied truth

something i have chosen in indeliberately, to stay blind to

or deliberately to rummage for in the confusion of youth

somethings like

the little bruises he got when he scratched himself on the uneven wallpaper

yesterday when he couldn't walk in a straight line, anymore.

I was too held up in the clouds to have noticed.

somethings like

the lingering look i threw at him

when we bid farewell in the car

when he didn't return one of a similar kind

and i still thought the kiss goodbye's

a lot sweeter than it should be

somethings like

i thought i'll be one of the girls who'll get through all the love, unhurt

though wrong way-ed, praying the somebody who said theres a price to pay for every happiness is another rambler

somehow suddenly,

they fell into place

the eyes once i've tried so hard to open

opened themselves

a little too wide on this early chinese new year morning

so little girls

when they said you've grown up a little too early

it's definitely not a compliment.

this is not a joke. So please start smiling

2012-01-21T02:12:00.002+08:00

he said

helpless is when

you can't wake up from a nightmare

i thought

hopeless is when

you are too sad you don't know how to love

we both lost something

someone important in our lives

is it the sudden emptiness that defines the pain

or the lack of love of smiles of hugs

the confusion of tangible nostalgia that should be exposed, but refrained?

love is a hanging petal of a rose

too beautiful to touch

too beautiful just to watch

from a distance

and the moment the contact is made

it fell, all signs of life waived

in another time

or another space

i'll hold you

and maybe, should have told you

thank you for only leaving trials

of laughter

that day i dropped you off at your place

the first time i drove

you sat frozen in the passenger seat

i saw you left

i secretly wanted to rush home

you secretly peeped through the gate

we secretly hoped that it would be the beginning of new days

Thank you

you taught me how to love.

i'll be found.

2012-01-19T22:24:00.003+08:00

don't try too hard

don't drop too hard

don't ask why

because what goes around comes around

because they didn't tell you

growing up

is a personal war

its you and you alone

they who came and gone

should be left where they belong

it's just kind of fortunate

that you were there for him when he was there for you

otherwise.

i use to think

its stupid to cry

for the same thing

(maybe a different person)

over and over again

then some song came along

told me

its a luxury

yes tearing is a luxury

feeling is a luxury

happy, hurt

hurt, happy

i tried to fix everyone of them

wishing i could someday fix myself

are we broken?

how broken?

so broken even love

love of any kind

can't put us back together again?

thankyou for sharing this moment

for walking into my life

because of you and you and you and you

i feel that the long road ahead

is not that winding after all

how can you be found

when you aren't once lost?

take me to whimsical land

2012-01-14T13:08:00.004+08:00

same scene

laughed like nothing ever happened

"sorry"

its not always too late to apologize

nothing changed when every things changing

the world is relative

so is love

its never easy

for one to be with the other during the hardest times

when you are so versatile when everyone speaks the worst out you

when only she believed in the person she met

i didn't have the courage to listen to my heart

instead, like all others

i live by hearsay

don't be sorry. I am sorry.

maybe another time

but you know me he knows me like i know myself

maybe understanding is not the sprout of love

its just a brutally true realization

that its time to be a better person

where on earth can i find another person

to sleep under the stars with me again

he did

we did

he said he didn't like to be in that foreign place love can't save him, nor does two years time

I want to hold his dear face

cut his throat look into his eyes

its your choice

be a man

don't dare to break her heart

because mine died once when she left

life is not a derivative of wants

its a chain of needs

i still believe

when one day i stopped living for myself

when its time to share the love

we'll all become beautiful

now

lets sit down and talk to the moon

let the owls sleep

let the world go on

and take you with it

but everyone can afford love

2011-12-20T23:20:00.002+08:00

tom ford said its not a sin to shower 5 times a day

if you feel helpless, take the time of your life to put on a suit

put on your armor and go fight for something you believe in

then take it off

and immerse yourself in water

maybe in another medium

love will feel lighter

i didn't realize until he said the commitment

that i didn't want any ending like that.

She asked me to choose between fur and a ring

i want something to hold me tight to keep me warm when i feel cold

but love can only bring me the latter

He told me oh so brutally honestly

that he wanted a change, wanted some love, wanted a new start

i almost ripped my heart believing when i realize

thats exactly what i want as well

she said he wouldn't be able to afford what i want but he will try his best

but dear you

he couldn't even give me what he can afford because he felt too weary to try for love

how can i even borrow my heart to someone so poor

in morality

in the end

christmas is here again

last christmas

a family of 5 saved my soul

this year

i will try save the rest of them

為何仍是愛得隱隱作痛

2011-11-28T16:12:00.002+08:00

we walked through my past.

its ridiculously funny how the road just unwinds itself tried telling its story in the dark

i didn't hear a thing he said

he didn't say it to me

when you've ran out of words ran out of touch ran out of breath tell me how to tell you whats happening right now right here

silence.

they all thought its the remedy.

i saw how silence killed some love

lets walk when its colder

so when some words do touch my soul, i can shiver it off and pretend its just the cold

its you

because your selfishness is my protection

because you are everything i am not and everything i am trying to get rid of

why still

because my selfishness feeds your guilt

so wrong

because we all want something we both don't want to give.

i wish i didn't know.

some best thing i haven't heard in a while

2011-11-25T23:43:00.003+08:00

immersed myself in aquatic medium

maybe i can hear my thoughts better

it used to make me blush the pangs of guilt love shame washing upwards

until tears blur me vision

not any more

this time

i can look him in the eye and say whats on my mind

and then made a silent compromise

walking into a futureless reality

woke up, water dripping down my forelocks

i wrote what i cannot say

anticipated an ending. smiled. ready for whatevers ahead

some other reply

didn't change my mind

but its some best thing i haven't heard in a long time

i didn't come to savour whats said right and done wrong

just in case i wake up to another tomorrow

i had a very wonderful dream

a wandering mind

2011-11-21T18:28:00.004+08:00

it was just supposed to be a causal stroll

through those words that once constructed my teeny universe

did words grew less effective

or did my world simply grew bigger

some dreams died, to make way for life

its easier that way.

though i am quite wrong. because everything only gets a little more difficult.

to smile to cry

everything seem to matter a little less

because there are others who meant much more

sometimes, just a very minute bit of moment

i wonder what really happened

i felt guilty for disrupting his world

i had my fair share of fun

and my equally fair share of pain

we are left bruised and confused

of whats awaiting

it would be more beautiful if its simpler

if you delve too deep

you'll just find yourself with a handful of nothingness

so stop where its still sweet and simple

these days

the only thing that still gives me goosebumps

tis the lingering feeling of that embrace

if you need sth to kick start the morning...i am here

Don't look back in anger

2011-10-16T02:12:00.003+08:00

and after all, it takes just oasis to bring me back here

a land of memories

of tears in smiles

of pain in the rain

of wrongness stupidity ignorance

but oh how i wish

its as easy to stay foolish

as steve said

last year today

i am perfectly happy typing away alone in this little corner of bliss

blissful because i felt the possibilities of youth

when love is still a luxury and not yet a necessity

at least thats how it felt

beatles are right when they say

yesterday

when he told me we've been there done that and its time to let go

I believed

that no matter how much love how much pain

tried to burn out the flick of youth

time will heal

memories will be replaced

we will eventually forget

the worst and remember the rest

for now

i'll try

to love those who loved me

to forsake those who abused my love

my love,

tell me

how to keep love strong when life gets crazy

but why, we are just human

2011-09-10T20:10:00.002+08:00

today, i discovered something sad
the saddest part is, its always her smile that triggers my pain
its mad
i know
but i hate every single part of her
its as if our happiness is mutually exclusive
and never shared
stop it.
this is starting to sound evil.
I thought I am everything but, but no, I'm just human.

A little part of me knows I'm responsible for everything
for his mourning her naggings his silence her fury
I am dumb enough to believe he actually meant well
sometimes I wish I can continue to play dumb
so my fairy tale will not collapse on me and suffocate the stars
as if tearing alone is not painful enough
god invented something called truth.

truth is, we are still given the privilege to dream
dream big, live humble; act mature, think young
did they ever consider
the consequences of liberty
of democracy, of change
that its a finite piece of space

they mould our thoughts, so we become warriors of maybes
all armed up, crusades of ideals
until the world worn us out
stripped us down to our bare selves
and we stood there, naked, embarassed, ashamed
for who we are

because, in the end, we are all human.

101 on growing up

2011-05-11T21:28:00.003+08:00

i used to not be afraid of anything
of trying of failing of feeling

now because some stupid self said she wants to know more to know it all
and now she've seen it she's scared
of becoming of choosing of learning of believing

all the elements needed to make her grow
she keeps on turning the pages
reminicisng the smiles wondering wuts the secret behind
she forgot time goes forward and no ones left behind

she was soaked in tears torn and pained
wants to know the way back again
and maybe this time
oh just this time
she can finally learn

its time to grow

its raining its pouring

2011-04-17T17:59:00.003+08:00

my muse told me
dont be afraid,
of knowing
of trying
of making mistakes

i feel so sick of myself
of doing all the above
it makes me want to run and hide
in memories of yesterday

i tried doing the same things that used to leave me speechlessly enchanted
but the harder i rummage, the harder i fall
into icy cold relfections of reality
and shadows of missing smiles

if this place is perfect
why am i only smiling in my dreams

write on

2011-04-05T23:28:00.003+08:00

the wind was blowing in our faces when we walked down memory lane, with our heads buried in the present and our mouths nibbling at the future

"when you have no idea, fall back into reality"

"i can't do something without a reason"

sometimes, i have to admit, reality is suffocating. everyday i wish to wake up to a new beginning, only to realise i've fallen deeper into vices. my new remedy to uncertainty is butter, my spring soundtrack the chirping of birds outside my window, blending in is my new superpower. i've learnt to end smalltalk with a worn out smile.

she said "even if you don't give a shit about the world, there must be one thing, the very one particular thing, you do care about"

it took me three drafts, a truck load of courage, some more to stop myself from backspacing everything and pretend i don't need this space, these words to save me.

but i do. and if there's one thing i do care about, its me and my words.

because unlike everything else thats happening, i do care about this huge white empty space, and the fact that something as simple as black letters can make sense out of nothingness.

because you cannot write about something if it doesn't feel right. if it doesn't touch your heart.

it's as simple as that.

so, sorry but i cannot let reality numb my heart. i have to write on.

lets imagine this is a story and we'll always be playing a part of it

the making of a dream

2011-03-21T13:52:00.002+08:00

i was adding butter into some yellow sludge called banana cake when suddenly, out of the blue, i asked my sister "what does home feel to you"

she said "this is home"

I remember the thing closest to home, is the red roses i see in paris, the chill air I felt when i stepped out of claridges

i kept stirring the mixture, my mind as cloudy as the white foam

i felt so wrong when everything is so right

"maybe someday, I'll write."

"i'll open a bakery, one section labelled homemade, the other patisserie."

"you think its hard to make a movie? even one with a small budget?"

" i think its sad to stop dreaming"

and the kitchen was suddenly immersed in the smell of a sweet answer.

dream on girl

2011-03-18T10:23:00.003+08:00

today, i decide, its not worth it

to make pretend that its time to give up your dreams when thats the only reason why you've been living

to hurt the ones you love

to lose your words your smile your time

this might be wrong

but if its all it takes to dream on

i'll take the plunge.

we are born to forget -but only the worst and lets remember the rest.

2011-03-11T22:06:00.004+08:00

yup. i survived another breakdown.
am currently on med and a new lifestyle.

the winter blue's been haunting a little too long
i wish spring can take the plunge and let the buds blossom so we can all be reminded how beautiful we still are

i once wrote to a girl "we are born to forget"
i am right but also so wrong
because we tend to forget the best together with the worst.
we forget the reason why we smiled
we forget the ones who deserve your love
instead poured too much time into those who threw it all down the drain
we forget we traded tears for every heartbeat we skipped
we forget how it felt like to fall head over heels for someone something some song some promise
and how good it is to be home.

it took some love from brown, some words from sherborne, a flood of confessions and some belated talk to recall the best

so for now, i'll take it easy and try to remember the rest

i wish. i knew.

2011-02-16T22:32:00.005+08:00

do you sometimes feel that you're remembering
a you thats very far away
and the one that looks back in the mirror
doesn't feel familiar
no sadness involved. just different. just not the same.

i used to fall head over heels for things i like
now that i learnt how to control my desire
the enchanted feeling seemed so foreign
i wish i can stop falling out of love
and find my way back in.

i wish i knew where to begin
but how would it be possible when i don't even know how it ended
it's just like how the gloomy winter's lingering a little too long
i don't want to make this numbness permanent

so i say a little prayer
and wish that on the morning when the sun decide to shine again
i can recall
the reason behind the effortless smiles

foolproof

2011-02-06T11:39:00.003+08:00

he repeated something i quote randomly

"words come easy when they're true"

it took me more than 3 drafts before this post gets published. the struggle is: i wonder what i want to make permanent. the memories? the pain? or its aftermath? i realise, its really only the love.

when i decide to go through my 25 most-played songs on this warm sunday morning, the pages of yesterday flipped like the feb issue of elle i've been reading over and over again for god knows how many times already. i like to label my happenings with their own soundtracks. loop a john mayer jackjohnson and you can indoctrinate yourself that it once felt as good as it had been. tug the crumbs of bliss gently underneath somewhere so it doesn't bother you no more.

when you can't decide whats right for the moment, stick with what's fool-proof.

for me, is the equivalent of demin, grey blazer, chanel and myself.

currently loving:

2011-01-30T23:36:00.005+08:00

1. The Dream Factory: Inside Perfums Christian Dior by Camilla Akrans

credits to Industrie Magazine 2

yes, i'll do it for love

2011-01-29T01:15:00.004+08:00

sometimes, i wonder how long i'd be stuck in this traffic looking out of the windows wishing if only i could be on the other side

other times, i wish i could just feel safe in this confined comfort zone

right now, lets forget how we feel and immerse ourselves in sarah bareilles and english pear cologne

the echos of an email

2011-01-27T01:00:00.002+08:00

Dear _____,

to be honest, i do feel the same. Its hard to complain when everything is so supposedly perfect, but somehow there's always this strange feeling haunting me that it's not enough. Or maybe its the fear that I might not be able to sustain such a lifestyle with my own competence that kept me troubled at times. The best way to put it: growing up is a mixed feeling. especially when you're 19, it often feels like you're stuck in the middle of an annoying traffic, often wondering how you got here, not knowing whats hindering you, and not knowing whats ahead.

My dad, oh well, i know hes the best piece of advice but he could be as stubborn as a mule. i used to oppose him a lot just for the sake of making sure he's not the only one talking. but either its me who's getting older or its him or both of us, it seems like there's nothing to fight about these days. the house seems strangely quiet now.

yup. i'm 19. i hope i look as mature as i sound (haha) but really, if you get to know me, i'm everything but mature. maybe it's the way i talk. as for your deep questions, i guess its the aftermath of your mind-refreshing spiritual trip. fortunately enough i'm a thinker too and yes i've questioned myself so many times i'm starting to get used to the confusion. i used to get all worked up and felt very uncomfortable for being in the wrong place or doing the things that are just not me. but then i start to realise the rebel in me is actually my motivation. and like i've said, we are always curious of whats happening on the other side of the world. maybe we just need to pretend we are visitors living our lives through foreign eyes. then things like burning your own fireplace would sound more interesting than it really is.

p.s i hope little things like this email (/blogpost) can light up your day :)

helen

tarte aux pommes

2011-01-23T18:06:00.006+08:00

if my mother's my muse, my sister's my superwoman

a random call from sherborne made my day, along with the settled plans of meeting up in london around may-ish. with people here and there and everywhere these days, this is indeed something worth looking forward to.

and just as i'd like to call it a day, a sweetheart from the states confessed her loneliness along with some catching ups and morning/midnight blabber. a proof of it all: a post-it on top of my table lamp scrabbled with a to-be psychiatrist's number. talking about friends for benefit.

for a long time in a long while. it felt like what it used to be. safe and sound.

is it the over-sized lavander carpet or the excess warmth from a sizzling heater? everything looked just like a year ago but it hardly felt anything similar.

************************************************

as i woke up to an unexpectedly warm sunday morning, i decided to turn some pages back to the regina spektor days. and the list goes on: dido, norah jones, kt tunstall. so london. so paris.
even the air smelt like its time to make a debut on tarte aux pommes.

everything happened according to plan, until i realise i got everything but the short pastry. and how can tarte aux pommes happen without the tart? so a simple task of picking up stuff ended up with an extra half-an-hour drive to the nearest frozen food counter.

apples are best served in their simplest form. (i remember i read that somewhere but if i didn't, well, consider it a good homemade quote). and to work the applepie x tarte aux pommes magic i decide to replace all that french custard with cognac with mere mushed boiled apple sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon.

its funny how things fall into place: the wrong pan lemon-less dicing an extra pinch of salt here and there slicing failure rose apples instead of granny smith

i tell myself: if this is possible, i'll get myself a julia child cookbook and enroll in a self-taught 6 credit course on french cooking 101.

and voila! bon appetite.

i need sleep

2011-01-19T21:45:00.002+08:00

sometimes i feel like im living in an asylum

im tired of this guessing game

i am not sick. or mad. or angry. or sad.

i am just me. or do u know me at all?

please dont say doctor in front of me again or i swear i will go craxy, this time for real.

the answer is simple: i'm just growing up. please don't judge. give it time. no more tears.

thank you for all the love.

but too much of everything is poison.

please don't be ashamed of our love

2011-01-16T12:11:00.005+08:00

so, should we be begin with a recount?

though i decided to summarize the week as mediocre just a few days ago, it took no more than a single night to turn it all around. see, now it is an understatement to laugh at life and call it a rollercoaster. i think its more analogical to the 9 degree mornings we're experiencing again. yes, we are still living in hongkong.

the night before began with a spontaneous meet up with a long lost girlfriend. apparently iceland and a new boyfriend's the ultimate antidote to heartbreaks. a year ago we did exactly the same thing, only blueberry chessecakes got substituted by warm pear tart and crunch cake; long island by rosé; confusions with contentment.

late-summer memories do haunt me still when i pass by the familiar spots, but i've decided to let the past stay where they belong and twirl flutter laugh my way into a pleasant birthday, only to decide the musics too loud the champagne's flowing too slow small talk overload. though we never remember where we ended up i do remember your hand in mine and mine in yours and nothing really mattered.

things do happen for a reason, even though they never happen accordingly. things like an unexpected reply from an overdue silence, the bag of thompson raisin sitting seductively in the fridge. things i once never paid attention to, things i cared a little too much for.

if i could only pick one lover to spend the winter with, it would be my heater.

but i don't know how i feel anymore

2011-01-13T22:16:00.003+08:00

i used to get pretty worked up when i realise i did something as rash as waking up at 7 for some bs.

not that i dont anymore, well since chilling is now trending, i'll pass.

then i decided to vent my frustration/call it a pretty mediocre week planting khahi roses on the tips of my fingers, paying my friend the doc a little visit and sealed the deal for sister's birthday surprise

i always wanted to watch that episode of SATC. the last bit. but i just couldn't. you can call this savouring the very last bit of a fading holiday. but a little part of me cant wait to put last semester all behind me. trust me, im glad its said and done.

they say new year new resolutions. i say new semester new attitude.

30 credits plus some chinese philosophy some introduction to psychology. i guess i'll need that bit of SATC sooner than expected.

oh and before i say ciao, lets sing dance fight against this craxy cold. i don't like the fact that its turning my heart into an icy lolly. how can i know how i feel anymore?

to my love, my love and my love - get well soon.

current favourites

2011-01-13T22:07:00.005+08:00

1. leighton in missoni s/s '11

courtesy of fashionising.com

2. lily and lionel scarves - ballet in cream

more at lily and lionel

norwegian wood afterthought

2011-01-09T21:40:00.001+08:00

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
— Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

:)

2011-01-08T12:21:00.002+08:00

due to 9 degree Celsius
i succumbed to socks.

worn out by the cold. its a love-hate relationship. i love how the freezing air frosts all feelings. for a week, my heart felt numb. you can poke it break it tear it and i don't feel a thing. i used to think winter's the time when the we feel most needy. for that hug for the warmth for the company. maybe its the best time for heartaches since, oh-well, you don't feel too much of anything anyways.

last night, someone's voice left me warm and snuggly.

oh before i start wondering if you really meant what you said, i just want you to know

you made me smile.

goodnite love. sleep tight and sweet dreams.

i'll blame it on the cold

2011-01-05T20:39:00.005+08:00

ok. i'll blame it on the cold.

usually i'd die for the little anxiety the little affection the agony from your silence

and since when did i began to feel afraid

of too much love too much truth too much smile

i don't understand why the things i used to like don't stirr my heart like they used to. then i find myself going through the pain of looking for new heartaches. how i wish it'd be more simple.

had an amazing afternoon chillaxing with an old friend, small talking about life and making up new blabber such as once in a whiles. we both agreed that the pain will go and we will find what we deserve. its just a matter of numbers - time and people in between.

i guess in the end, we all know who's the most favourite. pity is, hes not a keeper. truth is, love is never found in keepers. we are all children who eventually get tired of their favourite toys.

talking about toys. today i ran through a bunch of them. the old me will begin reminiscing. the new me simply starts replacing memories with spaces. yes. i prefer cold empty spaces than tangible tear-attracting trashy memories.

because when one day i decide to forget, i'd just wipe out this blog. words are easier to handle.

i surprised myself when i told a certain he through e-mail: i was never good with feelings.

i simply toy with them, give them a cuddle and leave like it never happened.

i thought everything was way better before me came along. i thought the beginnings are always happier than the ends. in the beginning, it all began with an "I" then some "he" crashed into our lives and somehow it ended up being a "we" but usually not for long.

please tell me how to put up with your imperfections. i can't even stand my own.

it happened.

2011-01-04T11:21:00.002+08:00

what happened?

when denial became the norm and plan Bs start replacing plan As and you never get to see those who matter but those you don't give a shit starts plaguing your time, you lost track of sanity

no, its not a matter of fact that your heart failed to give you answers. its either you're too much of a blabber to listen, or you're too much of a coward to give in to the wants and not to the shoulds. or maybe you are just too used to being let down it doesn't matter anymore eh?

to those who made the last month of last year livable: you are the stars of my universe.

i used to think that when the shooting stars leave my soul stranded, thats the time when the hollowness sinks in.

but fortunately and unfortunately, i've gotten to like this solitude.

i thought i told you i m worn out by my own smiles.

til then, lets love like it never hurt.

morning blabber

2011-01-03T10:37:00.005+08:00

a week ago, tugged safely away in my little heaven, i got used to jumping out of the white covers walking into the barelylit dawn. the cloudless skies are still turning in its sleep, i love leaving dimples along the shores.

i listened to the sea breathe.

the wind whispered.

i closed my eyes.

my mind is blank.

i let the tides wash away the pain. i forgot.

i walked all the back. i couldn't find the memories.

i loved. i lived.

morning, world.

lost but found

2011-01-02T22:31:00.003+08:00

today, i found something i've lost.

it all began with a good loaf of raisin rye from Ceres Boulangerie et patisserie, smoking hot, promising and with love from my muse. i can't remember since when did sitting on the kitchen counter bathing in the morning sun small talking with the other half who shared my love for flour felt oh-so-right. maybe all the super sad love songs drowned out the other kinds of love.

some 5 days spent with family in a heavenly maldives began with dreadful expectations. it would be an overstatement if i said i hesitated before prioritizing family over..him and the fun and the hypercrazy sober-less life. but sometimes things just fall into place without expectations' hindering.

some kind of love just come and go (and they are usually those you thought most important); others silently sit wait and wish it'll cure you when you're in pain.

today began with some loaf of rye and ended with more. nothing beats dad's angelic smile when the light wheat rye descended from its iron cage. the warm smell the sweet laughs the shared love.

happy new year

p.s. my new year resolution: drive more frequently to Ceres Boulangerie et patisserie so maybe (oh plessshhh) i could bump into this amazing man who turned my mornings into heaven...

new

2011-01-01T21:32:00.002+08:00

lets pretend, it all ended with the year that passed. new year, new start eh?
so i'd begin the year with the NEWs:

starting with

a new haircut

a new hole puncher

some new emotions

a new breakfast

and perhaps a new you.

p.s. if u can pretend to forget, i can pretend to live you-less. how harder can that be?

ciao

2010-12-31T09:10:00.002+08:00

i've decided there's no "the end".

it sounds sad

and sad is the last thing we need on this chilly morning

lets just say

thanks for being around this year

you know who you are

and before u start wondering if this year meant anything

it meant something. you meant something -

to a little girl like me.

p.s. off you go, and fuck the rest. today is yours to wrong.

...you ate all the fruits in my fridge

2010-12-30T13:39:00.005+08:00

on the second last day of 2010 i came across a familiar pictorial titled
"plums in the icebox" -Dossier Magazine

it made me remember a dream sometime some months ago

about a he eating all the fruits in my fridge

its more than just food.

credits to dossier magazine #4 (NSFW)

don't grow up. its overated

2010-12-30T09:40:00.004+08:00

and while i was roaming alone
some familiar feelings hit me like the tides of shoulders on the crowded streets
they come and go, knock me over and again from different directions
the past the now, the year ago, the years before
i hesitated. before decided to step into my past. (or really, the people who defined it)
too scared? a coward to face the fact
that i used to lead a much happier, much fuller, much me-er life than the one i'm leading now
too tired? to smile like i used to without feeling i tried (and failed)
saw some familiar faces that looked a little too unfamiliar, some new faces that felt old
some hurtful memories that seem to hurt less
met him and it felt like nothing ever happened the tears never fell the smiles never stayed
so it was all hows-college

some girl told me
the luxury to dream died with the two years of paradise
now rationality is the new hype. bye boyfriend bye parents-hating bye i'll love you no matter (as long as skype exists)
hi career hi competition hi friends for benefit
because we left the land of dreams and ran towards the blinding lights like
moths attracted to the sugarcoated glamour
and though it left us
burnt ruined bruised teary bleeding
it opened another hole in our teeny brains
a new inception that life is to be lived, dreams are to be left for the night

so now i sleep
more than i ever did
thats the only time
when i can retreat to the dreams

p.s. some weliveyoung said 'don't grow up. its overated'
i wish.
i could.

i'm just a girl with a fragile heart

2010-12-27T23:24:00.002+08:00

it took me back
when i saw the music attached
it brought too much tears
when i let the song play

i spent so much time
learning trying forcing
not to let the feelings surface

and it just took two lines of a song
to break my heart
again

its so unfair

i'm just a girl with a fragile heart afterall

never stop this train

2010-12-27T11:03:00.002+08:00

to make the long story short
(or rather, to visualize the impossible train of memories)
it had been a 30 min ride with 5 stops
5 different stages of the story of us:
summer paris london court trials midterms christmas
whoa. if it could only be 5 stops
then i'd wish upon a falling star
that john mayer's right
when he said
stop this train.

maybe its the melodic breathing of the maldivian sea
or the array of champagne supernova
or just something along the lines of understanding and compromising
the pain of soul searching soothed like the fading footsteps on the shore
where the blue and the beige kissed and retreat

or maybe its the moonlight (better, the spotlight)
the silver moonpath the flight of glistening stairs that descended from the dark satin to the rippled navy
or the little specks of smiling eyes the brightest one in the north the little red ruby or the three-in-a-row
even when the little island of paradise faded into the drape of night together with the frameless memories
i recall no pain
but serenity

she asked me if i'd feel sad
if some other she took his hand and his heart
i said when a girl got to the other end of sitting wishing waiting
she'll grow

it took me a few more stops than a normal girl'd take
to get to where i am now
in the end
nothing brings more bliss
than unwrapping the boxes labelled "dear sister, with love" under the dancing pine tree seeing the child-like smiles on their faces wondering if my brother actually murmured a little thankyou

no matter how many times the desperation misunderstanding suffocation brought tears and aching hearts
these are the ones worth hurting for
you'll always know, ab initio,
the antidote's the understanding within

because others are just stops on the ride
stations you don't have to bother getting off for
watch feel and learn
and let the rest speed by and the rest of the rest speed past and stay where they belong

last christmas
i gave him my heart
and took it back

this christmas
i gave them my heart
and they cured mine

merry (belated) christmas

so THIS is love

2010-12-15T19:46:00.003+08:00

the belated christmas cold finally kicked in, my heart though, was numb and hollow.
this morning i found myself waking up with bb between my fingers, only to realise i fell victim to the anger that came from the fatigue, fell asleep thinking of the right words to match the right feelings.

today, while the wind whipped our faces and hair blurred our vision, my bitch confirmed the doctrine of indoctrination.

"when you tell yourself you don't care, i don't care, why the hell should i care when he doesn't care anymore at all, ever?" "...then your will will transform the belief into reality"

"and in the end, you don't give a shit. "

yes i can finally literally say it like i mean it. whole-heartedly. but the sad part of the realisation? its not a remedy, but a lie. to disguise whats always crystal-clear inside

when two person are in denial, and the world doesn't give a shit to the truth since the day of its birth, no one will.

and wut are we searching for when we alleged proudly that our mission is to be true to our feelings?

because my feelings told me i cared so much i can fall asleep and still dream about him. like its not possible for the thought to leave my soul only to be drowned out occasionally by loud music.

don't worry. i am accustomed to the hurt.

p.s. while billy re-told her hurt and the indoctrination of "i don't care anymore" began,
i heard the invisible tears. and all i could do is hold her hand. i remember its the same thing we did 3 months ago. but we were so young and happy then. its just 3 months ago.

we once said, well albeit, this is love.

now? after all the hurt, the lies, the deception and finally, the realisation.

oh-well,

THIS is love.

if curiosity is my temptation, then guilt is my motivation

2010-12-12T12:38:00.005+08:00

usually, sex and the city makes me find my light-hearted laughters again on a very cold day like this.

today's episode though, is a little heavier than the rest. but its is there where i found my answers.

maybe carrie's right when she asked "is it dangerous to open your heart?"

what if my hurt failed to attract a siren-call, who's gona be my superman tnite?

they say a heart is deliberately constructed to work like valves, they open and close periodically.

i guess the solution is: to grasp the right moment when he opens his heart again

i know now that its really a matter of timing and timing and luck. we'll just have to wait for the time when both hearts decide to take a leap.

right now, though, is not that moment.

p.s. sometimes tears are just a tangible emotion that summarizes up the rest. so when we cry, please spare us the whys. and when we don't, don't question our smile.

a stroll down memory lane

2010-12-11T10:39:00.003+08:00

after a stroll down memory lane on a frisky morning, i realise there are a few flaws i found within moi.

first, it is almost impossible for me to forget the details, the good in everyone of them. i know it all ended in a bad way, but almost everytime when i start to recall i only remember the good bits. never did the tears and tiredness blur the bliss, because when i lied down with him under the starlight on the roof above the gym, i really did thought it was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

then some other best things happened, like how we counted off the places on the map above his bed, counting off the places where we'll be heading off to after the exams. i remember the map of life he drew on my bed, linking the dots counting the days when we can meet again somewhere in the middle after he came back from lse and me in hk.

maybe its the way he stayed by my side when i had fever, or the post-it he left beside my bed that made me tied to all these. and till now, i still can't remember the reason
why i decide to throw all this into the sea left him driving off into the dark into the future. alone.

sometimes remembering all the good make you feel worse, and often you are left alone to deal with the hollowness that came from the sea of whys.

and since i can only remember the happiness in the aftermath,

this time i tried to make it feel worse, so when it was all over, i can enjoy the relief.

but i guess, life doesn't work by elimination.

if today is a name of a song

2010-12-09T18:59:00.004+08:00

if today is a name of a song, it will be dean martin's marshmallow world

it started out with a rather reluctant vibe aka introduction to chinese law 9:30 loke yew hall.
plesh. i've never set foot in that place in what? since i quit my job?
but well mid-terms are mid-terms (aka boys are boys in some i've-forgotten-the-case-name-contract-case) so it's not like discretion has any of its right and privileges

but this morning some sweet person made me laugh so much he made the 30 min wait at the minibus stop felt like 5 second. oh well, 5 min. (i swear the line extended to the other end of the block forming a complete square. can u possibly imagine? a line of people forming a square?)

so i was writing writing away in my exam not really conscious of my thinking because oh-well the justification is that this is merely an INTRODUCTION so thinking is not needed.
whoa.
thanks for letting me know.

so it led me thinking somewhere else. if only the world can label its content as mere INTRODUCTION v IN-DEPTH STUDY.
then i would know when to put an end to the abyss of thinking
on things like
why you didn't reply my text and
why i smile so secretly yet so much when i listen to your voice
i think it only deserves an INTRODUCTION, no?

i have to brag a little here, given that it is my private space, please spare me the judgment
i feel flyyyy when i got my VERY FIRST A (yup. you are still sober. its an A as in A-line coat) for my constitutional law assignment.
i did make sacrifices aka called off work for two days to be innocent (refer to older posts hehe)
omg.
omggg.
i still can't believe it

so they say, the butterfly effect. i relate this to my bliss for the day
i find myself floating towards prints, grabbing this and that, matching, dismissing, loving, aww-ing and finally got the stuff i need
for mum and dad's anniversary gift

she said its 20 years.
i know, its long and not-easy at all. at all.

and there i spent the entire afternoon
buried by a landscape of memories, some labelled old, some labelled kowloon tong, others, when dad is still a single man with beatles' hair.
i secretly kept a few of his portraits.
man, he's amazingly handsome
and i'm being as impartial as can be

so i finally put together, the start of 20 years and the 20th year to come
funny how they changed so much, inside and out.
i know its inevitable
but i can't help sighing
at how young and happy they looked
just 20 years ago.

and just so to end on a happy note,
i'm sending out christmas cards tomorrow. by hand. i've lost my trust in the royal mail
and in 10 min time i will be joining the couple for their first in-house anniversay celebration.

may love prevails.

you are my world

2010-12-07T20:47:00.003+08:00

even though i've been trying to exclude the world for the past week

i realise it's impossible to exclude anyone who made up my world

esp people who decide to come all the way from adelaide for a winter christmas

and the nocturnes who couldn't sleep at night and admit it in the morning otherwise

or those who's stuck in boston for a europe trip some girl lost in the enchantedness of japan

or that very silly who is upon return from paris retail therapy.

not to mention my dear little sis whose homecoming from sherborne this very weekend

so christmas is not merely a time for putting up darlings on christmas trees, a reason to watch and rewatch loveactually screaming at hugh grant aww-ing at keira knightly and her secret love

its simply a special time of the year

when all those made up my world

come back to my world

all i want for chirstmas is you

2010-12-06T20:55:00.006+08:00

ouch. my pride was literally hurt by the fact that i failed (yet again) to find the answer to a factorization problem

if there is an award for the worse mathematician on earth. i would nominate myself.

and there i found another legitimate reason to be in love with the mess i am tangled in

at least im stuck with words

please. numbers screw up my mind. like notes in music. i hope you see the white flag no?

currently i am mesmorized with charlotte's famous " how far will i go for true love" (sex in the city)
and it kept me wondering for an entire night
whether i would REALLY give up christmas for a Jew.
(at least the OC made christmukkah sound...livable)

but the answer came
when i found myself choosing love actually's soundtrack over john mayer and danced and sang-a-long to all i want for chirstmas (two versions), listened and kindly dismissed coldplay's christmas light eventually falling head over heels for willie nelson (...featuring norah jones)'s baby its cold outside

and when i found myself hugging the big fat pine-scented christmas tree that finally shovelled its way through the door

i realise

christmas

is

irreplacable.

....everything

2010-12-04T10:27:00.003+08:00

i feel beloved.

after a long due fight with severance, i decide to throw throw throw everything underneath my car and drive off to nobu nibble some grilled seabass flirt with the oceanview chew on some love with my musee

then off we danced towards the ecoya scents, only to let cire trvdon let us down. so we decided on some french pear and lotus flower and let the coffee beans cleanse our minds.

maybe not really. before we know it we are giggling and falling in the carpark laughing at bmw with bmw-plates and the going-bald man in front of the driving wheels. how funny is life?

with that, i got it we don't need to get drunk to discover love, laughs, lies. its all around, like christmas is all around us

so let michale buble tell you what it meant when i say you are my everything.

p.s. just to let you know, i was smiling under the covers all the time (as i listen to you sleep).

mix me like banana smoothie

2010-12-03T09:37:00.005+08:00

today, let the eyes speak its words.

like Karl Lagerfeld said it in his imfamous way "the visual version of homer"

i won't tell you my favourite from the 2011 pirelli calender, but these are my recent beaus:

La Rose Noire by Timmothy Lee

Young and lofty by Leif Hurton

Kate Moss: Vogue Italia December 2010 (NSFW)

portrait 3 - by anna aden

but no, we don't need you.

2010-12-02T23:52:00.003+08:00

i did literally nothing today

too enchanted by yesterday no?

left me wondering

am I still the confused girl standing looking at her toes at the crossroad

or am I a girl who understood a little more cried a little less spending more time alone

no matter how many flight of steps i fall

i will but only fall back into the world's embrace

did i cry for help?
yes i did.
but i am only ashamed of it and will always be
for the weakness
for the need

for that i need
i will never tell.

what a waste i could've been your lover

2010-12-02T12:08:00.004+08:00

now the midnight talk made me head spinning
i wish i remembered half the things he/we said
i just find it hard to forget
the giggles
in between

after norah jones filled my candle-lit room,
together with w's baby love lovely pictorials
the world in here smelt, spelt
serenity

thought there's always one thing at the back of my mind
as tlf named it "the fidgetness"
the little vague but colourful memories of rue de royale and grand central station
oh if i could only taste the big apple this christmas
i wish it wouldn't taste half as good as paul lafayet's apple crumble
plesh no.
i die.

p.s. and off i twirl to my snowflakes and christmas tree

the problem is...

2010-12-01T10:07:00.003+08:00

a year ago

we proudly call ourselves: the nation of procrastination
my roomie and i will sing along to linkin park on sunday mornings jumping on our beds before rolling down the effing stairs rolling down to canteen and coop tons of leftovers into our lungs and then lay down at the wrong end of the bed listening to ourselves breathing

at the evenings, all we have time to think of is how to sneak out after 12 at the back of the tennis courts maybe grab a little shisha session at the stairs or jump into a red cab taking us to the other side of the city where we paahtay and dance until the dawn dawns upon us

or i will be having icecream with phil and talk randomly about steve jobs and fall asleep on the roof thinking how good it will be never to have to wake up to this fucking world again and then found ourselves wearing pajamas to the nearest mcdonalds and saying fuck you westernization as we gulp down fries

we will mourn and weep and mourn and lie until the weekend comes again so we can steal cans of soda from the canteen party and secretly wish that the smoke machine will be out of order again so the firefighters can come evacuate us from hell.

we will laugh like there is no tomorrow and smoke til our lungs turn black

and now treat alcohol like an antidote. sing sing sing like elvis and dance like usher

please. skieving history's class to get front row coldplay tix is so right. so damn right.

and wear frog costumes to exams or protest in central or joining gay parades

or maybe just stick to throwing ourselves into the pool at the height of the summer heat after the last day of class

plesh. this is life.

a new heaven

2010-11-30T22:57:00.002+08:00

i read and there were tears in my heart

i understand the grief mum is feeling now. i feel it in my very bones
how will it feel, i wonder, if i have nothing to convince even myself that i am worth of something i want?

its not about the fight anymore. its about the fuss
about being who the world want you to be
so that you'd be "of value" in the eyes of the world's competition
and as i start slipping and falling
i realise
you will only realise, when you stop being at the top, the unfairness of it all
like the ridiculous GPA requirement for exchange to wut, nottingham?!
then let me be.
i had 18 years to prove myself
i guess its time to let others get a taste of it

and then, at this turning point in life
i pursued another vocation
(yup. workaholic is tatooed over my bones)
a vocation of "understanding"
i've mastered the skill a bit better than before
so that now, when i listened to cheryl cole telling me its better to lie
my heart felt sad along with the truth in the lyrics and melody and everything beautiful

then, i realise
when i thought i cried my heart out because a boy left me because my heart got thrown around like a rag doll because i felt like i left my family for 2 years straight and couldn't find the door in anymore because all that i cared about left when i left
someone is singing out her courage to live a new life when her 4 year husband left her
with a pile of lies of hurt of shame of pieces of heartbreak

what does a girl like me have anything to cry for anymore?
believe me
it just sounds so stupid

i realise i cry more than average people does
and thats because when god made me
he forgot to add in the little emotion called anger
so for me:
its either happy or sad.
and usually anger falls into the latter category

when the drills overshadows my music
tears filled my eyes
and i start throwing things around
chairs pens markers tables papers mistletoes

and then i realise
i made myself a new heaven
now i am reading under snowflakes surrounded by mistletoes and latter a new christmas tree

he is not replying me anymore
maybe today will be tomorrow's history
like every other story
its just a little harder this time
i need a stronger dose than taylor swift's innocence this time to get through the hurt
so sorry for the overdose of cheryl cole

may the merriness follow us
with the countdown of the advent calender from sherbourne

we will continue the fight
for what we want is always worth fighting for.

fear your own cowardice

2010-11-30T10:33:00.004+08:00

i realise

as much as i fear you hating me

i fear

your love

because i cannot bear

to see a love like this

surrender to time and reality

so take every piece of happy memory
and keep the eight letters to your heart

i admit

i am too much of a coward to

admit

wuts inside

last christmas i gave you my heart

2010-11-30T10:18:00.004+08:00

can i stop waking up from dreams that brings raindrops to my eyes?

this time
you are holding hands with this girl
and looking at me as if i didn't exist
as if im a piece of transparent memory
and only me the fool remembered

then i realise the heartache i went through last christmas
it pained when i said we are not talking anymore
it pained when you really said goodbye
it pained when i thought time could mend things but i forgot you moved on but i stayed right there
there on the very dark night
when everything went wrong
and we threw the promises into the sea

the hurt ends
when i heard you kissed another girl
then all i can remember
is running into martins room
crying
crying crying crying
so much like the first time we smiled so much
when martin told you i liked you and you liked me too

i couldn't even bring you to read the letter i wrote
all i can do is to give your childhood memories back
stripped you from our promises and put your armour back on

maybe its just christmas approaching that brought back all the reminiscence
it only meant
i've survived another year
without you

let it snow

2010-11-29T09:27:00.004+08:00

i think the culprit is...
that i've forgotten

i've forgotten
how
before the hurt
i loved

so ytd
it was skype with the girl in aussieland
princess diaries I
and cheryl cole's flood.

and someone told me
to love is to be vulnerable

to me

to be vulnerable
is to look into the mirror
and bring me to realise the flaws

but i thought.
she he them were flawless
but i realise
they are not
no one is
and i deserved none of the flawlessness i see in them

so let it be
let it snow

and since we're not having a white christmas anyways...

2010-11-28T22:10:00.003+08:00

credits to the girl with the beautiful eye

tired.

2010-11-27T23:48:00.002+08:00

today.
is
a
sad
day.

i woke up feeling tired.
mind and soul.

wandered around the house
trying to find something beautiful to marvel at
nothing.
the house is empty
no, actually someone's around
but we don't talk to each other anymore
new ground rule: silence

then the drills start coming in.
they brought out the rage
i slammed the phone down
slammed the door shut
screamed into the phone
"and u want me to study constitution in this hell?"

then guilt caught up with me
and i played chanel coco & igor stravinsky
oh the french-russian collision
is my only marvel of the day

then i felt even more tired
after the russian tune fades out and credits fades in
took lassie out for a walk
the crowded streets disgusted me

oh. maybe one thing genuinely excited me.
today, while i decided to take the turn home
my dog looked me in the eye (literally)
refused to take the new path
so, we stood at the crossroad
looked at each other
and for a split second
i can't help but smile
at her will

even my pet knows which way to choose
i am still pondering at the crossroad

its too much
i curled up and got back into bed
thought: maybe i will wake up to a peaceful dinner. an antidote i desperately needed

who knows
1 second after i got out of bed
rolled down the stairs and found
myself amongst a heated discussion at the dinner table
another second passed
i found my tears rolling uncontrollably

alas, so it was my tears that woke me up

im tired.

permettez-moi de sourire s'il vous plaît

peace. out.

2010-11-27T23:38:00.001+08:00

one of the most beautiful shots of freja

credits to my beau. fashionsing.com

he was strumming my pain, singing my life

2010-11-26T10:02:00.003+08:00

i am a living example of practice makes perfect
and since last nite
i bid au revoir to
hungovers
of highschool fantasies
puppy love infactuations
stupidity
in general

last nite i had a very weirdly happy dream plush nightmare
good news first or bad news
i'll decide for you

Part I: the dream
(regardless of the hurt he've put me thru)
last night we we descending this elevator
he was on his way to work
in the enclosed space
i was fixing his tie for him
and holding him very close
holding on very dearly
maybe because im just a little too certain
this might be the last time
of course (since this is a dream)
he embraced me
but we weren't looking at each other
instead, lookin into the reflection of us
for a moment the air stood still
then the elevator door opened
and
the very glimpse of us being together broke inevitably, along with the metal sliding doors

Part II
mum was holding on to this leash
and on the other end
i found a honey-coloured retriever
(but mind you. i am NOT GETTING ANY HONEY COLOURED RETRIEVER. I AM GETTING MYSELF A BLACK LABRADOR, if i am getting any dog)
and then i realise mum was playing fetch with him
so he was holding this blue football in his mouth (covered in saliva)
and after a few rounds of fetch
he let go of the ball
and was so smoking hot air was coming out of his nostrils like steam from a tank engine
and the drool fell from his mouth like a screen of waterfall

he was gone.

Part I: nightmare
i missed my very last constitution revision lecture
(as if i'd give a shit...maybe i do subconsciously give a shit hehe)
and was not very happy
when he jumped onto a taxi with me
and not until the red cab went into a halt
did i realise we were getting off at his place
but (don't ask me how it happened, dreams are constructed in an illogical way sometimes)
we appeared at my place
i was quite pissed
both because i didn't do what i planned out to
and that he was following me like a disgusting shadow
i burnt a candle
turned all the lights off in my room
and locked him out

im pretty sure he talked to my mum
which made me hate him more
no one talk to my muse. i talk to my muse.
and i literally kicked him out of my house
i hope he understands my feelings for him now

it bothers me how the details got transported back to reality with me
when i wake up
never before had i felt such happiness and such disgust at the same time

i hold on to a belief,
that dreams are merely things that are never gona happen in life
if the hypothesis is true
then i don't know if i'd like to still believe in it anymore

because we all know a little too clearly
how dreams and reality mirrors each other
and how much agony it brings when the lines get blurry and they start to intertwine
so you'd forget which one you are in

last word:
its indescribable how funny feelings come and go
something so strong like hate can melt with a breakdown and love blossoms with the baby tulips
some other love, built on confusion and illusion
can survive
time and time
and hurt
i have to admit that the pulses are not as strong as before
but they had just turned from collisions to ripples
so the thought of it doesn't pain me anymore, merely made me shiver

but even though you said you know how it felt.
you'll never feel what i've felt

this is love

muse...-ed

2010-11-25T16:54:00.003+08:00

its only been two days
but i felt as if two millennium has passed
until the tulips in my room began to blossom
i've told myself
when my babies grow, i will as well
and i guess
this is how the world works

today, i ran into Michael Casker's PET CLOUD project
and it was, again, love at first sight
oh if i could only poke at the fluffiness the white the eyes
i'd die with bliss
(janyway, just to say, : i feel like walking on clouds today)

i guess
i got used to it all
really. that's what my muse (akhem... mum) told me after her morning brunch with the miss lovely who took me under her wings while i encounter my first paid-experience
she said
something i ought to have known all along but am really,genuinely, bind to it all.
she said
"oh but misunderstanding is in the eyes of the beholder"
(tried to beautify it Shakespearian style)
and was it not
cant be any truer
if so, then let the beholders remorse
and let me live
without bothering who why whut when how

i just want my pet cloud

my couldnt-be-any-lovelier-tlf told me a day agp
"but this is merely the glamour above all the unspeakable ugliness and sadness"
and if it cant be of any help
LAND LAW finally come to my rescue
its just, as a matter of fact-ness, a matter of

priority

should we sugarcoat reality or
poke the bubble of bliss and let down our quarantine
just to build another stronger qurantine
so we can be immune
naturally
instead of artificially
against all the sins of humankind

after this ride
i thot i will end up being as sinister as those around me
they call it conformity
i guess a part of me had this natural resistance towards conformity
not anything in particular (mind u, not attention seeking-ness. no generalization here)
but a desire to be unique
one-of-a-kind
if i rip off all the labels
its just a mere
love to be myself

dont tell me its wrong. you know it isnt in the very best sense.

so, as blair had said oh-so-perfectly-right again,
since i've been following my head for 18 years
i guess its finally time
to let go of all the worries of consequences
and just pick up one ounce of courage left in me

to follow my heart

p.s. charlie chaplin said (in my tweeter) ,
maybe everyone is laughing when i'm crying.
maybe the reason why i care is cause the inner me is laughing at my stupidity as well
but the diesel campaign (shot by the proud blogger of weliveyoung) said it all
i dont feel the pain i used to
from knowing you wont and couldn't ever love me the way i'd like you to
but even if you did
it wouldn't change anything

and the natural being in us,
will move on
and realise
the person who loved you all along
deserved your love
too.

a promise of love

2010-11-25T00:34:00.000+08:00

"Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery.
And today?
Today is a gift.

That's why we call it the present."

有些事你不必問有些人你不必等

2010-11-19T08:46:00.000+08:00

we are sitting in my favourite snugglespot
it was around nine
he was sitting across me
when he told me
"you know nothing about yourself"

i didnt realise how disturbing that little line felt
until 3 seconds ago
when i open my eyes after an half an hour nap
and surprised myself
from never having felt so good

i found out i need exactly 6 hours of sleep to fuel up my daily activities
that wearing a suit makes me feel stronger
that red is DEFINETLY NOT my colour
that it makes me feel two times sleepier when i let my hair down
and that i should either put on eyeliner/ mascara but NOT both

i found out i need music to heal not hynotize me
that i need silence more than words
that the reason behind it all: loneliness
that no matter how many nights you spent out and about, mum always know the right way to bring you back
(this time: sevva crunch cake)
that it is very selfish and wrong for 'em to play with our hearts
and they should go play with barbies instead

i found out that stockings are not made for me
i feel so much more myself in jeans and clogs
i found out watching football alone is stupid
but watching it with your beloved is suberb

i found out you dont have to try too hard for everything
because answers just come to its seeker
like when eleanor waldolf said
"you dont have to lose the girl to be the woman"

i found out the golden rule to life
comes in dual:
1. do something you don't like everyday, so you'll get use to the pain
2. do something wrong so you'll recognize the right way

p.s. never stop talking to your mum. she's god's muse to us.

i'm singing someone else's song

2010-11-14T20:30:00.004+08:00

i once wrote
"we are born to forget"
we are
and though according to the new canon nikon ads
which never fail to indoctrinate us
the fact that every moment can be captured by images of themselves
(aka everyone with a DC100 in their embrace claiming to preserve youth)
i'd chosen to carry with me my eyes
and my heart
and note all of this down
in alphabets
and i tell u
its like running
u can do without shoes
to remember
you can do without your iphone your blackberry your imac your DC100
just carry your heart
and pay your blog an occasional visit
and pour all your thoughts your misunderstandings your tears into this little white space
and leave
only by clicking "publish post"
and pretend all this didn't happen. no, did anything happen?

so where do i begin?
lemme tell u where it ended. its more clear and less of a deception
it ended with too much tears in the corner of the bathroom
messy thoughts splattered on the floor
me frantically trying to pick out the "good" ones from the "bad"
before putting them back into my mind
so that the tap to tears can be turned
and i can emerge out of the bathroom
a different person
a "happier" person
maybe only a girl who smiled and claimed "no, dont worry. i didn't cry"

now i tell you wut happened
yesterday, when manu lost 2 goals to aston villa at ard 58
my little bro stomped off, head buried in hands, and left me alone memorised with the yellow ball
(yup. THE BALL IS YELLOW)
and not until ard 70, not until i screamed "2-2!" did he come out and we can make conservation again
so i learnt: to make my brother speak = wait for the first man-u goal.
lets pray that 'em chelsea get stoned.

dinner. the hardest part of the day.
at our place, its like eating under surveillance
dad kept moaning about the teeth the money-minded docs
mom kept screening the food making sure they were all gone before people realise she's not eating
and today i got the blame for not drinking soup
and i thought after 3 months of this she understands
then i realise
well. understanding is just like feeling happy
we are all decepted from the start
we don't OWN happiness. we never will.
according to the american constitution, its always and only always will be "THE PURSUIT" of happiness
according to the little talk i had with some on friday night,
happiness is merely a perception. and after you realise its merely a deception, you've got to live without it through a little inception.

who knows wuts next
maybe some of us would jump off the ledge like marion cotillard did
at least, even at the verge of leaving this world,
she BELIEVED it was still for
the pursuit of happiness.

its funny how
the "favourites" that got into my list in my ipad
were no longer favourites anymore
i remember not understanding how one can stop loving their ex-es
ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-wife etc...
i thought there should always be a general principle for declaration of love
or at least, justification for your actions
i love her/ i married her/ i went out with her because ____________
but in the end
the justification is always
ARBITRATION
then even the common law jurisdictions themselves
condemned the rigidity of RULES

but please tell me im wrong
when i said the circularity of it all:
is that you cant condemn water for being a liquid
when you realise you cant hold it anymore within your reach

you can't condemn love for being irrational
when its only the irrational who deserved it

you can't condemn me for being unpredictable
when unpredictableness defines me

you can't condemn me for not being happy
when there is nothing out there that deserves my smile

then u know wut they do?
they start lowering their standards
like inflation.
so then everything becomes "good"
like the popularity of university education
food. living spaces

and then people like me become more confused
when 1/2 out there possess piano-skills of concerto level
girls and boys at f.5 got themselves named after stars
but none of them could be appreciated
in the starless nights of this city

mum said "don't put too much on your heart. he didn't meant it. he loves you too much"
so tell me:
does the definition of love survive time?
is the love he told me when he was 50 the same as the love he is showing me when hes 70?
i kept telling myself:
its not him who changed. its the receiver who failed to tune her antenna
maybe his love for me never changed
maybe its just me and my teenage tantrums
interfering with the radiowaves of love
please let me believe this is right.

i know its lame to quote lyrics
but when you get judged with everything you said these days
its never wrong to play safe
just by playing sing-a-long

so when they tried to judge to decept to hurt
just tell 'em
i'm singing someone else's song

dont forget to breathe

2010-11-11T23:51:00.004+08:00

crack
a tear fell
some hearts broken
some time gone.

these days i had enough
crying for myself crying for him crying for her
she told me she cant breathe
too suffocated by life
she told me she cant trust
too fooled by love

tell me
how many gallons of tears do i she he we have to shed
until we become invincible numb heartless to it all?

from the moment i picked the apple
from the eden gardens
i gave up everything i had
for the sake of knowing
now that i knew
but the gates to eden are forever closed
we are exiled
from happiness

i used to laugh at eve. laugh at her shame her ambition her stupidity
but aren't we all eve at some point in life?
i once blamed her for the original sin
now i learnt
blame no one
because on top of the original one
we'll add a lot more to the list

these days i learnt to breathe
in a different vacuum
called solidity

p.s. pygmy seahorses are one of the most wondrous males on earth. please let one wriggle out of the sea and come to me.

courtesy to out of town

my antidote

2010-11-09T22:30:00.002+08:00

so far
good music
chic styling
impressive pictorials
and amazing cover

antidote's first issue. i hope it really works like it sounds.

toy

2010-11-07T22:52:00.003+08:00

i hate receiving phone calls from him
his voice sounded like the annoying 8 am alarm from my blackberry
literally shaking me from the stardusts the remains of my dream
even though the most recent one i had
should fall into the nightmare category

these days there's just nothing too perfect nothing too simple
too much of a mixture
too short a glimpse of a smile
before the rain of tears fall
like a veil
making sure that wut happened between us
stays as blurry as possible
so that maybe some lonely friday
when i decide to rummage through some memories
i can still pretend its beautiful

i wanted to shout
fuck 'em who thinks idealists should be condemned
so what if u knows everything
because you also know
that nothing can be changed
my mom said ignorance is a gift
my dad said you are everything stupid
i said i am a stupid girl who thought she is in love but she isnt

wut am i to you
does the answer even matter to me
do i even matter
do u matter
what matters anymore these days

when showing up late for a seminar and walking right out on your professor and having only been to one chinese law lecture so far and extending your own lunch break and walking your dog for 3 hrs and making cookies for a guy i dont even care about happens
dont ask me why
because when you start mismatching your actions with the subjects
this is why
to love the wrong guy to kiss the right one to smile to your enemy and curse your lover
and say you dont mind but you do and get mixed up like a banana smoothie

please tell me
i dont care being called stupid
so that i can still say i love you and not feel the weight of blood and bandages
but tbh
when he said it all too clearly in the phone
im just your toy
i believed.

p.s. the first song that came to my mind is maroon 5's ragdoll (not too surprisingly) but i decided to keep it local. and thats how we do it these days. the chinese way.

we are born to forget.

2010-10-31T12:12:00.002+08:00

my quarantine

2010-10-28T09:48:00.002+08:00

a day ago
i thought l-o-v-e should be spelt p-a-i-n
so i cried
and cried
and cried
until my heart tell me
it hurt enough
now you deserved it

a day later
i realise l-o-v-e is spelt m-e
it doesnt take two to love
it takes a big heart
some 6 year-old's eyes
legs thats strong enough to pick one up after a fall
and arms to carry the world

maybe one day you'd change the rules of the game
without me knowing
i'd be thankful for the silence you've chosen
i never really see the need to waste words
to sugar-coat a beautiful truth
if you don't love me no more
i promise
i will be happy because you did.

they say it come and goes
sometimes like a ninja sometimes a whirlwind
sometimes you turn my world upside down
everytime
i have to turn myself downside up to make it all right
or i'll drown in my own pain
this time
there's no right side
theres only time and space
so u and i can create
a new dimension

i told natalie over bbm
i'm happy because you are. for the first and very first time in my life
i can stand on my own
on my own
then i realise
there are still many first times
first time i learn to smile
when my mother told me with tears in her eyes "gona spend more time with grandma aye?"
first time i feel physical pain
taking off my earring
first time i feel
like i'm being myself again

i thought i'd lost myself
in time
the day i stepped into claridges
wheres home
wheres everything that helped spelt s-a-f-e in my world?

with she gone he gone they left she fell in love he fell out of love he went to court i went to work
she dropped out of school we cried because of school we missed highschool she hated highschool mum cried dad hide i loved he drank we smoked we kissed i said fuck u you said u too i said morning he got tired of this i waited he advised i smiled he smiled

if i can objectify how being 19 should be
it should be madness
with a tint of strawberry smile
this is where he said

"underneath the smoky eyes, always give yourself a blend of roman holiday and little darling"

today, i refused to grow up.

2010-10-27T18:53:00.004+08:00

today, i called in sick at work
because taylor swift told me not to grow up
and that 19 is not too young to be messed with.
today i am being 18 again
and god it felt so. so good.

singing-a-long to some speaknow in the car
complimented criticized some wrongly priced rightly placed motorbike jacket
touched the oh-my-gwad 3.1 philliplim clog
and decided its better-off stepping down for the winter
otherwise
some jap had a happy time showering me with colours
and the roman holiday with moon fleet caught my heart like your eyes did
looking like some bruised eye princess
and danced danced twirled off for a piece of redbean tofu cake
the lime tart taste better without the lime
oopps and doops and we piqued back into the car
had an enthralling convo over whos righter
the guy who dumped her or her who left him
who cares. we all make mistakes. we all lived.

so who says we need to profit some frigging airline to feel fly
i did today
with only two bruised eyes.

maybe its me and my blind optimism to blame

2010-10-26T22:10:00.003+08:00

weird typing away in an outbox, writing an email wondering who the recipient should be
that lonely huh?
yup. that alone.
wrote 2 emails which were supposedly blog material.
thankyou office for blocking blog.
working in a law firm learning about freedom of speech no?

sometimes all i wanted to do
is to fold myself up
curl, to become smaller and smaller
until i can be invincible to all the pain the rain the games the lies the hurt
or let them go by
without realising
they left a victim astray

i want to take photos with my eyes
with the most innocent lens
maybe blur the reality a little with a little too much tears

i want to bring a soundtrack into every step i take
from the moment i open my eyes straining against the morning sun
let the lyrics the tune the harmony embrace me
so that my soul can dance
even if my body cant

i want you to know i want the world to know
that being myself is not insanity
that growing up is pain
that i am not too young to be messed with

i want to love to beloved to understand
but where's your hand
in my memories it slipped away
or it may not have been there in the first place

i want john lennon's milk and honey
i want robbie williams shame
i want taylor swift's dear john
i want abby lee's peroxide hair
i want tommy the superman
i want an escape

everyone's telling me this is wrong
to want a gap year is wrong
to not study is wrong
to love is wrong
to dream is wrong
but, lemme tell you a secret. i think all of it is damn right.

tell me: are you my stem or my thorn

2010-10-26T21:26:00.007+08:00

a picture's worth a thousand words.
today
i give you three.
but they still cant replace the
three words

you know what i mean.

if only you do.

credits to weliveyoung

p.s. words. pictures. something's still missing no? yup, you're right. its taylorswift today.

irreplacable.

2010-10-23T19:01:00.006+08:00

something happened
some people met
some feelings understood
sometimes it amazes me
how
things fall into place
i hope, this time, i wont be replaced.

enough about life.
lets look at how Daniel Libeskind
and his house that fell on earth:

The House that Fell on Earth

the house that only comprise 2000sq feet with no square rooms.

its THE bedroom.

concept: a ribbon that creates, links the spaces

credits to W magazine art issue

Connecting the dots

2010-10-21T20:58:00.002+08:00

after two hours of needed sleep
i woke up realising
the answer to "whats the saddest fact"

the fact that
even if you are telling the truth
no one believes

(sorry, interrupted by yoga)

scenario one:
there was once when i failed my biology common test
i remember it was the year when i have to take my HKCEE
i took it pretty hard
never in my life had i been labelled FAILED with some numbers
(well except the time when i cried and cried because someone gave my jay chou concert seat away. that is truly AN EXCEPTION)
i remember deliberately holding my test paper at the edge
trying to hide the shame in between my fingers
then someone approached and asked me this ridiculous question
"how did you do?"
"bad. real bad"
"now u are really kidding me. your bad is my good"
that hurts a little more than the failed number.
but i let silence had its way

scenario 2:
i was talking to him one day
he asked me this ridiculous question
"how much do you love me"
" i love you"
"you didn't say it like you mean it"
" but i do mean it. why do i have to proof myself"
it breaks my heart, when he doesn't hear my words with his heart anymore

scenario 3:
we were talking, we have 10 minutes til the end of court break
critically discuss this statement:
"在寶馬內面哭, 好過坐在單車後面笑
he said
"there's one thing that is not in dispute: being in possession of money at least solves the problem of money itself"
i said
"money brings with it new headaches"
he said
"but food cannot bring hunger!"
i said
"but being bloated doesn't make one feel any better"
(10 minutes later. court is in session once again)
we went off with different values.
but i swear i'm telling the truth.

when i'm young,
there are two sorts of entertainment that helps kill time
1. colouring book
2. connecting the dots

today,
i am playing with the latter.

wrong. so wrong

2010-10-18T23:09:00.003+08:00

wuts wrong?
maybe i'm just too worn out
but it felt so much like last time
when it went wrong
when all of it went wrong

this time
i'll tell you wuts wrong
"why not? you can deal with civilized people"
she talked too much
i can only hear photocopiers
there's no input for earphones
im not using my own laptop
too many names i have to remember
the aircon's too cold
she made me eat chinese food
i am too spoilt

pauline told me she didn't like sherbourne at all at the beginning
now she's home after a month in the ukay
like nothing happened
is this 101 on how-to-pretend-nothing-happened?
but something inside me screamed
please write
please listen
please shut up

dammit
i always end up in the wrong space at the wrong time

whoa.

2010-10-17T19:55:00.002+08:00

life is a rollercoaster.
just the fact that
i've won enough money today
to render my new perfume free
proves everything
and i thought
sushi after brooklyn's finest's the treat of the week
looks like you never know
wut's around the bend
like a candy-floss coloured hat
fake congrats hearty embrace and a new acquaintance
enough light shed
lets eat crab.

the contagious depression of a library

2010-10-15T14:00:00.004+08:00

if everything that seem to persist will eventually become the norm
then i hope time can lend a hand
by speeding things up a little
so i can start calling
this empty space
life

sadly, it occurred to me that
there are merely two simple verbs
that fuelled us through time -

1. hoping

2. NOT thinking

when you start doing the reverse
aka START thinking START feeling
time always win by throwing tantrums
initially by refusing to walk, crawl, and eventually come to a halt.
it works a little like the moon and the earth
when you move it stayed, and you can only feel it moving when you stayed.

its a pity how emptiness became the norm
its a pity how much pity you receive when you actually feel like you are living for the first time
first love, first kiss, first sweet dream
they all say
don't love don't kiss don't dream
just live

tell me
please
am i moving or am i not
am i living for love or not living because i loved.

why are things so damn complicated.
it this the means or the end
does it matter?

some say
you'll grow numb to all the pain
but if pain is the north pole, i am its south
this may sound crazy but i can only feel my soul through cuts and bruises
and if theres this time and space where i feel comfortable in
i feel scared
that all this may end
that this is the dream
because they say you say we all know (even if we dont say)
that pain is a synonym of life

i remember this girl killing me softly through the phone
by uttering some ugly question
"where are my tears?"

girl i hate to see you cry
but please do so once in a while
so that i can still recognize you

sometimes, you gotta admit, the blues brings out the best

2010-10-14T17:54:00.002+08:00

and then i go spoil it all by saying something stupid like i love you

2010-10-13T12:52:00.006+08:00

i feel like i'm going back there again
but this time
i will not fear my own cowardice
i wont succumb
wont let the dark days repeat themselves
if you care to open your windows
it still felt like summer
(thank you global warming)

my mother told me
"these days, there aren't many things to be happy about"
which lead me to think
what actually made me happy
"therefore, all i care about, is food." - she added
good point made - food never lie. its one of the very few things which never fail to offer you this instantaneous feeling of so-flyness.
for me, its like a brick of L'affineur cheese on a few slices of 5-grain wheat bread and an excessive cup of soy milk (sugarless, s'il vous plaît)

so everyday at 7 in the morning, my mother busied herself in the hustle and bustle of the local market, too much like a pollinating bee popping her brunette head in search of the best crabs from yeungsheng lake, the all-time-favourite bitter "ancient-gold-fish" (金古魚) (credits to google translate), the choi-sum that's in-season, sometimes substitute it with my fav dish: steamed eggplant with raisins. occasionally some tofu, or tomato pan-fried with egg.

my turn to give a little sneak peek into my daily eating habits.
oh, it's pretty simple actually.
usually for lunch i'll have homemade soba noodles with hokkaido imported soya sauce, a little wasabi and laver (紫菜). oops did i skip breakfast? breakfast will be a piece (or two) of soft raisin bread dipped in soy milk...(hmm just the sound of it excites me heehee) plus an apple/ blueberries alternatively.
dinner, well. as above.
after-dinner, we usually have fruits. my favourite? apple and bluberries. i hope you don't find it too surprising :)

my favourite dessert: HMMMM this is highly confidental

(but nevermind, nothing's too highly confidental these days with facebook and youtube all over the place)

so....
HOMEMADE APPLE PIE.
I DIE :)

see? food always make one feel dancy and fluttery and happy despite all the shit in life
of course,
accompanied by the right music.

so today, with wutever dish you are having now/later/in the evening (depending on your timezones and whereabouts)
i present you with your background music:

bon appetite.

p.s. i realise i placed the clip at the end of the post, which destroyed the entire aim of making you all feel happy reading about the post WITH the music.
i'd like you to chew on the words as if this is a new dish presented by chef de 'elen. WITH la musique.

so. follow the following instructions:
1. click "play"
2. scroll to the top
3. chew on the words and taste the bonheur of life

Voilà

I can't promise to heal you. But if you want to, I will try.

2010-10-12T21:42:00.002+08:00

if you have to make me name my one imperfection
i'd tell u right away
its a pity i'm made up of tears

today, in between fishballs and tsuiwah, my world is flooded
with a few things. consecutively:
1. the truth
2. my truth
3. her truth

i remember vaguely there were a few names, a few mentioning of incidences
that never fail to blur the surroundings
something like the fact that
i never knew the kind of sport shoes my brother needed
the amount of time i kept my mum waiting in the dim light
the long long walk i had with dad in paris
the fact that i realise
he never knew
how i grew up in the past 18years

my mum always reassured me:
"he'd done everything a father should've done"
but if there's a little black book of love
i'd like to think theres nothing named "last but not least"
why?
why?
why didn't you even try
to talk to understand to allow yourself be vulnerable for once
i've told you and i'll tell you once again

don't be afraid when you see my tears
it just meant
i've chosen to be vulnerable so that i can still love

please
talk to me
talk to her
talk
before
we closed all doors.

讓我這樣吧

2010-10-12T08:48:00.003+08:00

sometimes
i just want to spare some words
some melancholy some reminiscence some i dont understand
for some time
sometime
later

don't make me talk
don't rummage for my smile
when all i want
is to look

feel

to hide

disappear for a while

happy birthday john lennon. but today, lets go back to 1970

2010-10-10T14:31:00.002+08:00

no more questions. this is why.

2010-10-09T20:51:00.004+08:00

my heart will wait.

2010-10-07T12:36:00.003+08:00

do u sometimes find youself asking yourself :

"do i like ___?"

does it feel right?

for the past week, i have people telling me to wake up. but from what? (thank you for sending me a virtual text message/ more like a virutal sword through my hanging heart)

if i can be of control. i will. needs i can control. desire, wants, emotions. i can.

but my heart. i cannot.

i've spelt it out differently to different people. an addiction? an abuse? a wrong turn of fate? loneliness? give me a noun and i will replace all the above.

on the swings he silently killed the remains of my innocence.
he said it like its something i should be shamed of
or worse
i saw too much pity in his eyes
as if he's laughing at this drowning girl, gasping for breath, and letting her be.
knowing we all need to die once before we know.

know.
knowing.
one of the top 10 lectures from dad:
"don't even pretend you know what happened in those days"
i wish i knew
i really do.
if it can bridge the hole between us. i will do anything to fill the gap

tell me how to go back to 1939. and i will tell you how much i really know.

so i hold onto the belief,
that i have to know.
i'll give anything in exchange to understand
the brutality of mankind

on the swings, the pendulum of my conscience felt as heavy as the truth.
it swayed, it lingered
ignorance_________innocence___________knowing_________truth
where should i land
if i could never fly again

and then i found the answer
so stupid am i (as always)
it was right there
right in front of me
looking right back

it was in his eyes.

he was mocking. he was laughing. but his eyes were crying.
he was mourning
for he decided to never go back.

maybe everyone have to go through this once. him twice. thrice. too many times.
but not everyone ends up broken
i'll be the first one to fix myself
thank you for shedding light on the truth
but i'll rather not take your hand.

when your heart tells your mind to break itself
then let it be
if i have to believe in one thing and if its anything
it's that life wouldn't break itself

its' gona be alright.
i'm gona be ok.
its meant to last forever.
and forever it will be.

i''m loving angels instead

2010-10-03T09:20:00.003+08:00

shes heartbroken
hes only sorry
hes heartbroken
hes sorry for me

last night
we stripped our hearts naked
one guard down
one at a time
revealing
a bloody angel
tangled in its own wings

i've been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
then unfold mine
before i decide
to shed them

girl, dont let any more tears fall. dont let it wet the feathers and make it too heavy to fly again

boy. thankyou for telling me i'm bleeding. I thought I was flying

but even though we are all hurt torn deceived disappointed
i'm not going to say ciao to forever
i'd rather die bleeding
then die hopeless
a lot of us out there
are dead men walking
i'm joining you in another lifetime

please
don't judge
don't define
don't give up

be it that we are fools
tools
of love of devils of selfishness
u really think we've lost? you lose when you stop playing. when you stop letting yourself be vulnerable to all the hurt
i'm gona die
trying
to get away from that perfect sky

to: death is the mother of beauty

我一個人也會過得很好。

2010-10-01T16:43:00.003+08:00

thomas price used 3 languges in his anphetamine (just to let you know: censored)
his english is a shame.
i added a few names to the little black book "lovers i met and liked"

i told you
"there are fewer listeners in this world than i thought there would be"

you told me
" family is the reason of your wounds"

robbie williams said
"Words come easy when they're true"

merci. i listened.

clothes call

2010-09-28T23:00:00.002+08:00

ran into some well-written piece on asian fashion
let loose some clothe-ridden quotes
that never escaped my mind. my life.

"it never hurts to dress properly for court" - alvin

"theres no right or wrong, but i always buy the right bag." -mum

"no dress defines me. I'm born for dungaress." -pauline

" subtleness." -alvin

"its all about colours" -natalie

"everything goes with clogs" -me

ciao. for now.

to anonymity

2010-09-25T21:30:00.002+08:00

"to anonymity"

"why is there blood in my heels?"

"tell me if it isnt true: now everyone knows everyone on the patio."

"i like u, but..."

"there's always too much cake but not enough icecream"

"thank you for thinking"

"what are we?"

i wish our hug's tighter our kiss' sweeter we meant more than just a pile of fading memories
i wish you understand how sad it is to me
when i say i start to not remember
which part of your emporio armani jacket smells best

you said you only remembered bits and pieces of the nights
I replayed the scenes for 13 hrs straight on my ride back from london
fearful that once i stopped remembering
the memories will change
you will change
we will change

if it's confusion that fuelled our curious souls
then please spare me the answer.

midnight souls still remain

2010-09-25T19:48:00.003+08:00

beautiful words even more beautiful editorial.
breathtaking

more of Teuku Ajie

mess

2010-09-22T15:18:00.004+08:00

something is seriously unright
maybe its my head
acting like its an over-enthusiastic puppy waiting to be unleashed
and my soul straining to hold on
to some weathered leather belt

its when the hangover never leaves
that you start searching often too frantically
for the drink
that takes you back
way back
to a place named reality.

in 24 hrs
i told her
" we're getting on ok"
" i dont think i like him anymore"
"god this is a mess"
" why"
"i dont think it matters anymore even if we never talk again"
"why isnt he talking to me?"

if i'm one messed up girl
its just a silhouette of some even messier mind.

all i hear is angels crying, why don't they sing instead

2010-09-15T11:20:00.004+08:00

wrote so much slept so little on the plane
i love the ipad. thanks steve.
maybe the only flaw - please make it word-doc transferable.
i'm already resenting the mere thought of copying some instantaneous thought.
never go back.
i wrote too bad.

wait. the only normal thing i did after i actually got off the plane (did i not mention the ride itself is utterly abnormal, as well?) - nothing. except i did turn up for classes. sadly, not exactly sober enough to tell whether to take it/leave it. some chinese man squeezing perfect mandarin into some trashy english. i swear the french speak better than he did.

french. i woke up on monday, wondering why i was still in st. regis on rue jean goujon, leaned out of the window almost searching for the familiar red roses. that must be someone muttering french on the other side of the door. wait. or is that mum and her wake up call?

expectations. mayebe i did expect things to return to normal once i get back. home. what is normal anyways. with the room next door empty, one less seat at the dinner table, tear-soaked morning calls from the ukay, even tearier calls at midnight, heart-breaking texts, even more heart-crushing words...

why is my superman hiding behind some corner when i needed him?

the only superman i know, is currently tucked away in UT. he told me life's tough.

maybe life IS tough.

line of the week: don't cry. please. i've been through this shit. fuck 'em who brings you down. no one brings you down. you bring you down.

i hate the sound of my own advice.
feels like i'm on the safe side of the bank
shouting at the drowning to save their own selves
given that i presumed myself to have reached some safeland. maybe i'm struggling an even stronger current.
just that i've grown stronger, blinder, indifferent to it all.

i'm not telling you how to get to the other side.
I'm telling you - there's no other side
we've all plunged ourselves into the river of life
where we need to swim until our last breath
I'm not gonna pretend there is a destination
I'm just teaching you how to swim

heartbreaks make your jigsawed heart break in a more consistent way
so that next time, you can pick 'em up and place them back, more efficiently.

homesickness make you realise the sacredness of mum's screams/tandrums/dad's nags
so that you wouldn't try to substitute home with some oasis

highschool hangover hits you in the head, brings you back to reality, simply tells you to wake up from the college-is-the-time-of-your-life mirage
from my dear recollection of my own freshmen year,
it's more like a 101-how-to-survive-in-hell

and to those who didn't yet/dare to show your tears
maybe you've forgotten how it's like to dream

let your heart sing through foggy eyes..and maybe you'll see forever.

....leave the hurt behind

2010-09-04T13:16:00.003+08:00

the applause faded, though still ringing too vividly in thy ears
for once, the chill of the london nites didn't catch me by surprise
the heart is still warm, no, still burning with the intensity
of a love so strong
words so pure
love never dies.

once upon another time,
two girls, hand in hand, mesmerized with some truth so crystal clear
masked under some singing so simply splendid
i can almost see
a smile of understanding
lightening up the moonless sky
love never dies.

after the curtain falls,
i'm just a little girl with a fragile heart
he asked "why me"
he said "its too easy for you to say love"
oh boy,
listen with your heart
and not with your ears
listen to what i'm saying, please don't let my words fool you
if only,
if only...
if only -
you were there
andrew lloyd webber would tell you
everything i can't
and since you can't be there:

"Love is a curious thing
it often comes disguised.
Look at Love the wrong way,
It goes unrecognised."

"So look with your heart,
and not with your eyes,
The heart understands,
the heart never lies
Believe what it feels
and trust what it shows."

"Look with your heart
The heart always knows
Love is not always beautiful
Not at the start."

"So open your arms
And close your eyes tight
Look with your heart
And when it finds love
Your heart will be right"

as said.

2010-09-03T17:18:00.001+08:00

today is not writing day.

too little sleep too much on my heart.

please knock on my door some other day

thank you for hurting

2010-09-02T11:35:00.003+08:00

not pleased.
nomads raped me blog, left my soul kinda feel searched and stolen.
've been re-reading my posts for quite some time (a thing i'd never usually do. My own words embarass me.), hoping all the time that my words did not deceive me. and that the truth doesn't hurt, even if it means its the secret no more.

4:37 London GMT
I couldn't even bring myself to stay in my dreams for more than 4 hrs
It's always 4, when hans zimmer start to drift into my head
even more unbelievable,
its the 11:37 HK GMT I'm more concerned about
the moment I snapped back to reality

felt angry yesterday, actually a rare emotion I didn't even recognize until now
hands inside military overcoat, MJ scarf hanging loosely around me neck
striding down brook street davis street oxford street then james street
in oh-so-wonderful jeffrey campbells
wonderful vision eh?

but its so cold.
and the london chill left my heart numb.

so done with waiting.
and telling yourself "well, i don't fucking care anyways" at the same time
because while your head starts indoctrinating
your hearts always silently murmurs " it means the world to you, and you know it"

and there,
amongst the wind-blown hair, the frozen heart
the warm surge of tears became my antidote

the wait is worth it.
but I'm done with hoping
when all I need
is not even you
but only your voice.

thank you for hurting.

a midsummer night's dream

2010-08-28T20:36:00.004+08:00

where to begin?
so so so much happened. its almost impossible to even believe all this is actually happening
it has been three long short weeks
three unique stories with three very unique men
boys, u changed my life.
and when i say u did, u did.

woke up to some sparkling diamond, tangled around thee neck.
felt a bit sad, just remembering the bunch of roses left hastily on top of the washing machine
a teary kiss and some tearier begging
" make sure i get invited to the wedding"

my heart died the day i crumpled the unread letter
the day i realise no one deserve to be loved as dearly
as time will tell
that forever doesnt exist
then he came along

it was simply bang bang bang at first
too much "fuck you" "dont lemme see you again at the chambers" "i dont wana see your face anymore"
followed by some sorry
some sorrier act.
then things got steamy, confused, lovely.
what enthrals me the most:
the combination of paul smith sunshine men and cigs

what if
what if time could tell
that time doesnt constitute an excuse
that broken hearts can be fixed
that i dont need your commitment

what if
we tell each other
maybe its possible
even if its impossible
even if it means
some secret will forever lay forever
locked inside some secret vault in the left ventricles

its been long since i dreamt of someone.
and woke up to the same someone breathing next to me
its pretty amazing
what wonderful feelings a midsummer night's dream can bring

he asked: "whats the most beautiful thing you know?"
i said: " me. "
he told me he had three kids. and will be divorcing his wife in the week to come.
i will be living across the street of his firm in london, in the week to come.

why do the wrong things feel so right sometimes
therefore i write. to find myself, to make things right
i know no new post can mend the mistakes i've made this summer
but at least,
i stayed true to my words.

有距離才能永遠

smoke talk

2010-08-16T20:56:00.000+08:00

do u know whats pushing your limits

i do

and i am doing it

already.

is this no going back?

i tried

no regrets

understand me.

2010-08-12T16:00:00.004+08:00

funny eh? things. the world. us.
somethings are always different
never the same, not even similar

somethings r never understandable
never meant to be understood

time. soul. sometimes they fill up the gap

but why bother when its the gap that makes this world reality instead of a dream

its the un-understandable that makes things interesting

so that every discovery makes u skip a hearbeat

so that u feel alive everytime you declare something different "familiar"

we are all born collectors.

human collectors.

we search, and search...

until we found the other us that can really understand.

but can they?

is understand even something possible?

try - sounds way more practical yeh?

so we'll
try
and try
and try

until one day

we can almost.

understand.

time is of the essence

2010-08-09T07:38:00.003+08:00

i will explain.
first it's work. yeh i know, work and summer doesnt sound quite right but actually it does
had been blending amongst the white collars for a week
along with the buttoned up shirts (which i swear, can never pull off, no matter how many times some fashion blog reminds me that its some '10 dandy trend),
venti papercups some caffine tinted air some more cig-cooked afternoons
give me one more line and i could just trash it up
by tellin how much i felt at home with all the synchronization

ironically,
the components of my work doesn't really coincide with title in the teeniest way
instead, its may suggest something of the different kind
but still, its one mind-blowing week comparable to leo's sci-fi
someone please plant some idea in me
and preferably
something tht suggest
it'll be alright
life would be alright
we'll all be alright

stayed up last nite to figure out some europe routes
fyi, its now merely london --> paris --> london
not too bad i suppose,
i just hope i could hold back those tears
if there's any, that is

one hour due court.
one of my most frequent tweets/sayings last week and this as well
new boss.
wonder how things will turn out.
i actually loved every bit of my last counsel.
the intricate antiques buggly chinese paintings and above all,
the freedom of vogue-reading amongst cases
and unlimited coffee breaks cotton on breaks lunch breaks movie breaks
what kind of work is that yeh?

amidst the interrogation and witness statements
i proudly produced a map
" the way to the future"
like howard huges calls it
and before i get too carried away with the smart looking table
something hit me
wait.
what?
some fear of some sort crept into me as i write, against my vocation- 30 years of age
and that itself,
sound somewhat similar to a death sentence
and i still didnt, more like couldnt, figure out where to place "marry a rich good-looking guy and have some babies"

so. time is of the essence. no?

i was amusing myself with those worn out memories
faces caked in powder too much curls too much blings
but never my mother and father
never.
they prided themselves in fred perry, high-waist trousers, over-coat
assesorized in youth and youth itself
occasionally, a wrong bag here and a little too much hair there
but mostly its just a reflection of the weather
and themselves

i wonder if i can still walk into the streets of roma, paris
without tinted moisurizer, primer of any sort
and could still stand tall and bold
taking strides into the louvre sunset
i may choose to take refugee under a camel coat
or a buttoned up military drape
and pretend they're some quarantine
from all thats against me
and my world

speaking of which,
i have less than an hour to suit up
just wana drop in and give some advice
i promise i will organize my thoughts a little better next time.

we dream, for a better tomorrow

2010-08-03T00:37:00.003+08:00

mesh wire, churches, strawberry fields
with red chiffon dress masking some desperation
and songs with lyrics that send earthquakes
thru broken hearts and torn out souls
and
and
saluting with skinny venti papercups in even skinnier hands
i can smell ideas and dream composure

this is only the beginning

saturday sketch

2010-08-01T01:17:00.010+08:00

today, the house sounded strangely quiet.
no annoying door slamming, abrupt air-con switching off
no balls being kicked into my face
shd be enjoying the peace and space happily yeh?
sadly,
human are addicted to warfare

didnt know pearl harbour could last 3 hrs
i actually believed it to be one of the most excitingly short warfare films
it turned out to be one of the best collaboration with big names aka michael bay, hanz zimmer, ben affleck...
an amazing saturday, day and night
and the discovery of some piece of silence amongst the hustle and bustle

an ad-less haven

they say, when the clouds part, he'll speak.
are u listening?

caffine, capri, vintage chanel

sometimes words are excess. things define us.

it's all about colours. and this lucky girl found hers.

hold that sweet smile. we've got the sun behind our backs :)

good morning world

2010-07-30T11:23:00.004+08:00

an hr ago, i shd have started my daily wake-up routine
but after hving some MIA sun showering onto my bed after pulling away the curtains
i went out of the routine
aka yanked at the covers and actually tried, impressively, to reset the whole scene to 0300
pop in some jack johnson (yup something in the air tells me its some jackjohnson day to moi)
shared some links
halted jackjohnson, played some imaginary ski ba bip ba dop bop with some more imaginary drumsticks
shared some links (fyi, nail polishes these days are way out of their own league. dick weed? is that even humanely possible?)
lit a sage and citirus, blew out some heated debate in ma head on whether apple cider/macintosh's more worth checking out at the yankee candles
deciding on how much longer do i have to wait before i can be enjoying imax inception
and whether its a good/bad/not even deserve good or bad thing to hv missed tonite's armani bar invite for little bro's farewell at the airport. i settled down on the latter
wait. felt strangely bewildered at the fact that the oh-so-ever-annoying boy next door wont be kicking balls at my legs for the next fortnite
even more bewildered by the fact that i have to suit up, wake up before 9- join the labour force at large
and that leaves 2 more days of freedom
(better put, 2 more days to devour 90210 season 1)
and more nites to check out the new m.a.c in the groove swatches.
how
can
i
ever
learn
to control my desire, for material
and to control, my control, for expense

quote of the day:
" all emotions, if sincere, are involuntary" Mark Twain
( first quote ever to have learnt by heart)

my best friend got into a local uni
the hype is over for my supposed-to-be-co-years
and, alas, we are ALL college students
no more generation gap. not for now, at least

best dressed of the day:

everhy detail: from the sheer lace, nude pumps, right jewellery...all very 10 trended

why chau when its forever

until then

i see

this is not a joke. So please start smiling

i'll be found.

take me to whimsical land

but everyone can afford love

為何仍是愛得隱隱作痛

some best thing i haven't heard in a while

a wandering mind

Don't look back in anger

but why, we are just human

101 on growing up

its raining its pouring

write on

the making of a dream

dream on girl

we are born to forget -but only the worst and lets remember the rest.

i wish. i knew.

foolproof

currently loving:

yes, i'll do it for love

the echos of an email

tarte aux pommes

i need sleep

please don't be ashamed of our love

but i don't know how i feel anymore

current favourites

norwegian wood afterthought

:)

i'll blame it on the cold

it happened.

morning blabber

lost but found

new

ciao

...you ate all the fruits in my fridge

don't grow up. its overated

i'm just a girl with a fragile heart

never stop this train

so THIS is love

if curiosity is my temptation, then guilt is my motivation

a stroll down memory lane

if today is a name of a song

you are my world

all i want for chirstmas is you

....everything

mix me like banana smoothie

but no, we don't need you.

what a waste i could've been your lover

the problem is...

a new heaven

fear your own cowardice

last christmas i gave you my heart

let it snow

and since we're not having a white christmas anyways...

tired.

peace. out.

he was strumming my pain, singing my life

muse...-ed

a promise of love

有些事你不必問 有些人你不必等

i'm singing someone else's song

dont forget to breathe

my antidote

toy

we are born to forget.

my quarantine

today, i refused to grow up.

maybe its me and my blind optimism to blame

tell me: are you my stem or my thorn

irreplacable.

Connecting the dots

wrong. so wrong

whoa.

the contagious depression of a library

sometimes, you gotta admit, the blues brings out the best

and then i go spoil it all by saying something stupid like i love you

I can't promise to heal you. But if you want to, I will try.

讓我這樣吧

有些事你不必問有些人你不必等